When we’re walking the path of Shadow integration, it's helpful (if not imperative), to first set aside the concepts of value judgement (good vs. bad) and duality (you vs. them). Those who have done much of this work and are far down the path can sometimes take non-duality and non-judgement in an unhelpful direction and remain in relationships that don't resonate because they're looking for Shadow in the reflection of people they've simply grown away from. I've written this article to clarify when this is happening for people who feel unsure.


We're in a place of judgement when we've decided that the person in question is horrid, evil, or bad in some sense. That their beliefs or behaviours make them awful humans and perhaps that hatred of them is justified or necessary. It often brings up bitterness, rage, or frustration, culminating in condemnation and a harsh attitude toward the messenger. It can also look like us wanting to change them without their invitation, whether it's their beliefs, choices, or behaviours that aren't directly pointed at us/crossing our boundaries. This state is when we should probably stay in the relationship (assuming we're not in any danger), hold ourselves back from targeting the messenger, and work out what's really going on beneath the surface within us. 

We gain discernment and simultaneously let go of judgement piece by piece bringing consciousness to our Shadow, and it is well earned. This is when we can see the behaviours of the other person for what they truly are - not blown out of proportion and *bad*, but also not having us chase our own tails, assuming that because we can see the truth of something that it must be in us somewhere. The key here is that discernment comes with empathy - I can't emphasise this enough. You have to be able to see where it comes from within them (at least in concept) and accept it within them with love & understanding as a natural result of whatever their backstory is. 

The catch is; having empathy & understanding doesn't mean you have to hang around and watch the show. It doesn't mean you owe them your unconditional presence in their life. It *is* unconditional love, but one of those non-conditions is proximity - you can absolutely love someone from a distance, with no contact, and curate who is and isn't in your inner circle. Shadow work is not going to result in you actively wanting to be around and truly resonating with everyone you've ever met. It's going to clarify who you do resonate with and want to be around. It'll repel those who aren't your jam and attract those who are, by means of enabling you to be truly authentic. Be well aware though that part of the repelling is having discernment about knowing you don't want to hang around someone who isn't your flavour (without judging them). 

The simplest example I can think of is ice cream; I love chocolate ice cream, I don't like licorice ice cream. 
Does that make licorice ice cream bad? No. 
Do I go around complaining about how disgusting it tastes and how everyone else should avoid it? No. 
Some people love it and that's super fine with me. I'm happy that it's at the store for other people to get in on. I'm just not going to order it. 
Once upon a time I did order it to try, I thought I'd like it, I took a few licks and then decided it wasn't for me and offered it to someone else. 
Do I have to condition myself to like licorice ice cream and eat it all the time? Hell no. 

This applies to people. The whole reason we're doing this work is because we know we're not in full authenticity. We attract people who aren't truly our flavour - though it looks like they are at the start, or perhaps they truly were aligned with who we thought we were back then. Our Shadow attracts people with equal and opposite Shadow (by flavour not percentage), that's what made this match to begin with - see it as an opportunity for each person to grow. Then we can move on if we want. Even if we *both* integrate all of our Shadow from each others' mirrors; it DOES NOT MEAN WE HAVE TO STAY TOGETHER FOREVER. It just means we can be accepting of each other and not try to change or attack the other for being different to what we prefer. 


Nuance Time:
1. Sometimes the frustration we feel is because we're holding back or denying our inner knowing that someone just isn't for us. I've experienced a deep love and acceptance for where someone is at and then watched judgemental thoughts creep in when I was avoiding ending the relationship with them. This can be really obvious when we feel exhausted being around someone. Energetic exhaustion is often self-repression.

1.5 This sometimes means the Shadow we're integrating is our avoidance at triggering someone's rejection wound and appearing mean or callous to them or others. 

2. If you integrate your portion of Shadow from them and you're just not feeling too keen on staying in whatever relationship you're in but they're still very keen on being around you, it may be because they still haven't integrated the part of their Shadow that they were attracted to you for.

3. You are entitled to peacefully end any relationship with anyone you like for any reason. It's not doing either of you any favours to stay in something you don't want to be in.